In letters to Kaufmann on 6 August, 1891, and
26 April, 1893, he says:
"You ask me for news of my opera.[188] Good Heavens! I should be
content if I could write the tiniest little _Liedchen_. And an
opera, now?... I firmly believe that it is all over with me.... I
could as well speak Chinese as compose anything. It is horrible....
What I suffer from this inaction I cannot tell you. I should like
to hang myself."
To Hugo Faisst he wrote on 21 June, 1894:
"You ask me the cause of my great depression of spirit, and would
pour balm on my wounds. Ah yes, if you only could! But no herb
grows that could cure my sickness; only a god could help me. If you
can give me back my inspirations, and wake up the familiar spirit
that is asleep in me, and let him possess me anew, I will call you
a god and raise altars to your name. My cry is to gods and not to
men; the gods alone are fit to pronounce my fate. But however it
may end, even if the worst comes, I will bear it--yes, even if no
ray of sunshine lightens my life again.... And with that we will,
once for all, turn the page and have done with this dark chapter of
my life.
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