Principle in a sceptic! Hollow and devilish lie! Would I have
plunged into scepticism, had I not first violated the moral sanctions of
religion? Never. I became an infidel, because I first became a villain!
Writhing under a load of guilt, that which I wished might be true I soon
forced myself to think true: and now"--he here clenched his hands and
groaned--"now--ay--now--and hereafter--oh, that hereafter! Why can I
not shake the thoughts of it from my conscience? Religion! Christianity!
With all the hardness of an infidel's heart I feel your truth; because,
if every man were the villain that infidelity would make him, then
indeed might every man curse God for his existence bestowed upon him--as
I would, but dare not do. Yet why can I not believe?--Alas! why should
God accept an unrepentant heart? Am I not a hypocrite, mocking him by
a guilty pretension to his power, and leading the dark into thicker
darkness? Then these hands--blood!--broken vows!--ha! ha! ha! Well,
go--let misery have its laugh, like the light that breaks from the
thunder-cloud. Prefer Voltaire to Christ; sow the wind, and reap the
whirlwind, as I have done--ha, ha, ha! Swim, world--swim about me! I
have lost the ways of Providence, and am dark! She awaits me; but I
broke the chain that galled us: yet it still rankles--still rankles!"
The unhappy man threw himself into a chair in a paroxysm of frenzied
agony.
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